Connection through 12-Step Fellowship
“Connection is the Opposite of Addiction.”
I am not a huge slogan girl myself, but even I must admit, some of them speak a plain truth. This is one of them. “Addiction” seems self-explanatory here, but it means so much more than just the excessive and harmful use of a substance or behavior. This includes all the harmful fallout and those closely affected by it, which if you are reading this, you have most likely been affected in some way.
The question then becomes, how do I find connection? Is it the same for family members looking for support? The answer is Yes… and No. Those struggling with addiction need to be with those who can relate through experience, strength, hope, and knowledge. They also need a place where it is safe to share, which is why there is emphasis on anonymity. Family members also need the same support, and a place so share their experience, strength and hope. So, can Fellowship groups be a place to find that …YES! But they are different. There are different groups for the addict, and for those close to the addict. Whether in active addiction, recovery -or somewhere in between- it does not matter. The beauty is that they work in tandem, on the same principles, and at the pace of the person participating. Just being present at a meeting physically (or virtually) offers support and comfort to the others there, even if you don’t say a word. Their words help you, and your presence helps them. It is fellowship for the life of the journey- with support along the way as those who participate “do the work”, at their own pace, in their own time, with the only expectation being one of “progress, not perfection..” (Yes, that was another slogan!)
So now what? Which one do I choose?
Recovery Fellowships exist as a place of support for those suffering from addiction. The primary 12-Step Programs you will find out there (and have most likely heard of) are AA (Alcoholics Anonymous, NA (Narcotics Anonymous), and CA (Cocaine Anonymous). While the groups do get more specific in terms of addiction type- for the sake of helping you, the reader, find a path to what works for you, we will stick to the largest and longest standing of the 12-step fellowships so that I can best explain how they work, where/how they originated, and offer a little bit of insight so that you may explore what may fit your needs the best.
The groups for those who have addicted loved ones, such as family members, are your “Anon” groups. You will find Al-Anon for those who are close to alcoholics, and Nar-Anon for those with loved ones addicted to drugs.
An obvious overlap may be happening right about now as you read this… and it should. What if you (or the person you love) has multiple addictions, or there aren’t groups of the exact “type” you “identify” with in your area? No need to panic. The principles are the same, the “steps” are the same, the format is the same… and so on. For example, a drug addict may choose to attend AA instead of NA and simply replace the word ‘alcohol/alcoholic’ mentally with ‘drugs/addict’
and the verbs ‘drinking’ with ‘using’. This is but one example; however, the idea is to not let words/ terminology be the thing that turn you away. Many people in Fellowship have these overlaps. Many struggle with certain aspects of the program while resonating strongly with other parts. The idea is that fellowship is powerful in the commonalities among its members. In Fellowship groups, we share common problems, and find common solutions while learning and celebrating the unique perspective of each member(yes, even when we don’t completely agree with them). There is wisdom and comfort in the group(s). We learn and grow by hearing from those with similar struggles, but different experiences or points of view.
So what are the main 12-Step Fellowships and how did they come to be?
AA or Alcoholics Anonymous was the first of the twelve steps to be created and was based on some of the teachings of the Oxford group, a religious group that had begun to implement some of the “twelve steps.” AA was formed with the idea of alcohol only, partially because of how long ago it was formed. Illicit drug use had not yet become prevalent or recognized in America, so the scope was narrow for that reason. Meaning that they did not want to accept those who did not use alcohol only. (They did not want drug users in its midst)...as it was not well defined at the time and there was a very large stigma in society surrounding “drug use.” It’s a “singleness of purpose” meaning we focus only on alcoholism and how to free ourselves from the drink. There are still meetings in which you’ll be reminded that you should address yourself as an “alcoholic”. Well, you can imagine that as time evolved, a whole lot of people felt excluded from AA although they were battling the same demons… and that it is not that simple. The principles are solid, but environments can exist in certain meetings where it may feel exclusionary… fortunately the opposite also occurs where the environments are open to all and the language is less direct.
As a result of AA’s singleness of purpose, a new group was formed which was Narcotics Anonymous in 1950. This group approached Alcoholics Anonymous and asked if they could use the Big Book of A.A. for their group as well. They were turned down by AA and thus the NA Basic Text was created. NA took a different approach in which they preferred that the members NOT identify with a specific drug, meaning that it’s the addiction overall that is the problem. There are still meetings in which you’ll be reminded that you should address yourself as an “addict”. Because it does not matter what you were addicted to, everyone is an addict therefore we are not distinguished by the specificity of the drug... period.
Some people did not like to be boxed in to an either/or category of alcoholic or addict, and also felt a unique struggle to the rising epidemic use of cocaine, so cocaine anonymous was formed in 1982. This group also approached Alcoholics Anonymous if they could use the Big Book and this time, Alcoholics Anonymous granted permission. So now Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous both use the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to guide them through the 12 steps and NA uses the NA Basic Text. Cocaine Anonymous was formed in the middle of AA and NA, and did not have strict guidelines as to how you identify yourself. Meaning you are welcome to introduce yourself in whichever way feels most comfortable. You can identify as an alcoholic, addict, or both and won’t be scolded for the terminology you choose to use. The drawback is that there are fewer in person groups, so they may be harder to locate, and despite the good intentioned broadening of the “typing” if one has never used cocaine (for example maybe pills and alcohol), it may feel a bit foreign.
The “Anon” groups are tailored to those with use of either alcohol or drugs. The difference one will find in the fellowship of Nar-Anon vs.Al-Anon, is the common thread of the perils that come with illegal illicit use in someone they love. This aspect of use carries with it a certain set of struggles in that the use and consequences can have legal implications, or tangingley (or directly) dangerous effects on the addict and their family. The support is the same, the steps are the same, but Nar-Anon addresses this specifically and has separate literature and conferences.
So what is the takeaway?
That this is your journey. Some folks love fast highway driving and some take the back roads. If language is triggering for you, then you may wish to go with a group who is tailored specifically to the substance or behavior you or your loved one struggles with. You may feel more fulfilled in person, or more comfortable attending virtually (combos are allowed too!). The key is this- there are many meetings out there, in all shapes and sizes. One AA meeting can feel very different from another, simply based on who, where and how long it has been taking place. Shop around. Go to more than one, and if it starts to fit…keep going. It all can feel awkward at first, no matter the circumstances. But it gets easier, and quickly.
It is rare that a person could purchase clothing from an online store they’ve never shopped at before and receive a perfect fitting outfit that is the feel, texture, quality and fit they expected on first order. When you try things on, you begin to know what you like, what you expect… and where you want to continue purchasing from regularly.
The key is to find the group that resonates with your needs. This may take attending the same one more than once to know. There are messages of value in all of them, even if they aren’t the right fit. Take what feels right for you and leave the rest, as they say. The key is to find a meeting where you are comfortable, and where the messages and people are something you can connect with. If given time, and the awareness that there is a COMMON thread among all who attend, then miraculous things can happen. No one group or meeting is perfect… but if the commonalities exceed the division, you may find great healing in the connection to others you find in these Fellowships.
Written by Heather Lister & Angelica Mari
